He knew it wasn’t real.

It might seem strange for a vampire to say that nothing as unscientific as a ghost existed, but here he was. Denying it.

 

For the last three weeks since the earthquake that tore so many lives from this world, Takeuchi had been seeing things. Or people.

Just one person, actually.

 

For three weeks he had mourned the loss of his friends, of the people he had cared for. Each death slowly chipped away at him, like tiny wooden chips being cut away from a beam supporting the weight of his psyche.

For three long weeks, he had ignored him.

 

He knew why he was seeing him.

Out of all the members of Code Zero, he had known him the longest. Had come to care for him deeply. So deeply that it was apparently driving him mad. Because he’d never gotten around to tell him what he had truly wanted. How he truly felt about him.

 

He stared at Maeda’s silhouette from the corner of his eye. Had he been real he would have cast a shadow across Takeuchi’s face, but as he was not, the light went right through him. He was translucent, the light of the lamp behind him casting its glow across Takeuchi’s body.

Takeuchi was lying on the floor, papers strewn all around him. Crumpled papers full of his attempts at ignoring Maeda’s presence in hopes that maybe the next time he turned around, he wouldn’t be there.

 

Because none of this was real.

 

Yet, every attempt at pretending like that was the case had led to the same result. He was still seeing Maeda, anywhere he went.

After three weeks, he finally cracked.

 

He finally met Maeda’s eye.

 

Maeda blew out a cloud of scentless smoke as he looked down at him. “Finally decided to stop pretending like I’m not here?”

“Ignoring you doesn’t really seem to help, so…” He covered his face with his hands.

He truly was losing it. He was speaking to a ghost. To nothing. Because ghosts weren’t real.

But still.

If he had one last chance to speak with Maeda, what would he say? Full of regret at not having been honest, at losing his chance to ever be so, he had wondered this. If he got another chance, would he have told him?

That’s when Maeda had appeared before him.

 

“I might as well… see where talking to you gets me.”

 

He sat up, looking up at Maeda. He could see the covered-up window behind him. “I think… I’m hallucinating you because I have something I kept from you.”

One of Maeda’s eyebrows ticked upward. He waited for Takeuchi to continue, but when no sound crossed his lips he crouched down in front of him. Had he still been among the living, his cigarette smoke would have stung Takeuchi’s eye as he blew it in his face. But now, there was nothing. Not even a gentle breeze.

“Out with it,” he said.

Sitting on his knees, Takeuchi felt himself grow nervous.

No matter if this was real or not (it wasn’t), it had been a long time since he had confessed to anyone. He’d fooled around once or twice since, but this… it was different. Especially as he knew that the end result would be devastating, no matter what Maeda’s response was.

Because Maeda was dead. He was gone. He couldn’t keep him here, if he really was a ghost. Doing so would be a selfish thing to do. And though he could be selfish when he wanted to, did he want to be so at the cost of keeping someone else from moving on?

 

“I…” He felt like he was swallowing his tongue. It was hard to speak. Yet he had to. If he didn’t he really would drive himself to madness, forced to be haunted by the ghost of the man he loved forever.

“I’m in love with you.”

 

His words felt deafening in his ears.

 

He stared up at Maeda, cheeks growing hot.

“I’ve been in love with you for a very long time. I never knew how to tell you. And now, I feel like I’ve kept you here with my indecisiveness.”

For a few long moments, Maeda just stared at him, before he finally spoke. “Was that it?”

Takeuchi’s eyes grew wide in surprise. He had no idea what to make of that response. “Was- ’ was that it’?! I-!” He shut his mouth, almost biting his own tongue. Sometimes Maeda managed to infuriate even him. “You’re so infuriating I’m starting to actually question if you might be real.”

As he glared up at him, Maeda started to laugh. “ That’s what’s making you accept that ghosts exist?” He leaned forward, so close that Takeuchi wanted to reach out and see if he could touch him.

“No. Yes.” He wasn’t sure what he thought anymore. If he accepted that ghosts were real, it would be the second time his entire worldview was turned upside down. He’d done pretty well the first time it happened, but there was no guarantee the second would go just as well. “I don’t know.”

He leaned back to put some meagre distance between himself and Maeda, only to fall onto his back, sending his legs flailing and papers flying. He stared into Maeda’s eyes as he followed, hovering over him. “I wouldn’t have minded if you told me earlier,” Maeda said.

He reached down, as if to touch him, but there was nothing but his eyes to tell him that he actually did. For a moment, Takeuchi squeezed them shut, imagining what it would feel like, if Maeda’s touch could actually be felt. If his heart hadn’t given up. If he had still been alive. How warm his human hand would have been against his cold skin.

 

He felt like he was about to cry.

 

Opening his eyes again, he looked into Maeda’s.

“I miss you,” he said. “I…”

Sitting back up again, he barely noticed the crunch of paper as he knelt on top of piles and piles of them, bunched up into piles and still-flat sheets that had yet to be discarded or decided to be kept all left forgotten.

His hands balled into fists on his thighs. “I’m glad I got to tell you. Whether this is real or not.” He ignored the stinging in his eyes. “I don’t believe in heaven or rebirth or anything like that, but if this is real, and if there is some sort of life after this… will you listen to me tell you about my feelings again?”

Maeda huffed, a smile on his face. “Only as long as you don’t wait til it’s too late next time.”

“I promise.” Smiling through the pain in his chest, Takeuchi still couldn’t help but laugh. “Good bye, Maeda-san.”

Maeda took a slow drag of his cigarette, and as he exhaled, he started to dissipate, just like smoke. “Bye, Takeuchi.”

 

And then he was gone.

Just like that, as if he’d never even been there in the first place. Takeuchi still wasn’t sure if he had been real, but a little part of him hoped that he was.

 

His fingers pushed away his monocle as he pressed his hands against his face. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he finally allowed himself to cry.

He didn’t think he was done grieving. But maybe now he would be able to let himself start to heal.

And maybe one day, the loss wouldn’t hurt quite as much.

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